“I Didn’t Know How To Be Who I Wanted… But Boudoir Changed My Life” - Boudoir and Combatting Negative Memories From The Past
Above - Kerry and her Mum. “I must have been 8 or 9 here.”
More than half of people under the age of 25 have been bullied at one point in life. A fact that was corroborated when I posted on the Divine Divas VIP Group asking whether many women had experiences of being bullied themselves. In turn, I received countless comments - and one thing that a lot of women talked about was the impact that it had on them years after the incidents themselves.
When people think about bullying, they often think about children and schools but the truth is that our memories, and negative moments from our childhood, have a real impact on how we see ourselves later on in life. Which is why it’s something we talk a lot about at Divine Divas.
For example, a few weeks back, a client came in for her own Boudoir experience. In her chat with Neill before her shoot she talked to him about how past experiences had followed her around and impacted her confidence. She spoke of a moment with an ex boyfriend where she had spent hours getting ready and putting on a new outfit, only for him to walk in, laugh and say “No thanks.” This memory had cast long shadows over her life and how she saw herself. Consequently, this Diva, Laura, was actively using her Boudoir experience - and choosing to wear the exact same outfit from that memory - to combat and change the beliefs she had formed in that moment. She never told us at the time that she was wearing that outfit to banish that memory, but later messaged me to say that “it worked” and that she “couldn’t speak” when she saw her photos because she was so “mesmerised.”
Boudoir isn’t a magic wand - but it truly can be so powerful in re-writing negative beliefs and challenging past experiences. It confronts you with a positive, kinder reality, and that fact can be totally transformative.
Which is why our next guess blog is giving a platform to Kerry, a Diva who came to us last December, as she talks about how Boudoir forever and irrevocably changed the path of her life, despite the power of her past.
Kerry’s Story
My childhood… My parents put a roof over my head, but they didn’t know me.
“Looking back on my childhood I feel like I have spent my whole life alone emotionally and mentally, and like I was always looking for some kind of acknowledgement and acceptance. For a long time now I have felt that my parents provided for me in the sense that they put a roof over my head, I was fed 3 square meals a day, I had clothes, I was clean and I had the essentials. But I never had any emotional connection.
My Dad was a carpenter and would leave for work at 7am and not come home until 6pm. Mum used to clean the school so she was home throughout the day time and then worked between 6am-8am then 3pm-5.30pm. I was always aware that we weren’t poor but money wasn’t flush either. I would sit with a neighbour and her kids between Dad leaving and Mum coming home in the morning, In the evenings I would finish school and have to go to the school storeroom and I would sit there and watch TV whilst Mum worked. So I do feel like in my younger years my mind wasn’t exercised or stimulated. I missed out on a lot of different types of interactions and educational experiences. I don’t resent my parents for this at all. I feel more like this is probably how they were brought up; how they learnt as a child too, but I realised in my early 20s that my family didn’t know me. Hell, I didn’t know me either but they couldn’t tell you my favourite colour or band or tv shows or what food I like.”
Me left in the blue top, then my Sister In Law, then my older sister Lesley and my other sister Michelle on the right
My modern day; my life before my Boudoir Experience. I didn’t know how to be who I wanted
“I struggle with conversations sometimes because I don’t have the experiences to help me. For example, my family aren’t close. We are there if we need someone to pick up the phone to help move or with a lift, but we don’t see each other one month to the next and certainly don’t talk about emotional struggles. So I struggle to make small talk about families and holidays etc, it just doesn’t come naturally and I feel like it comes across that I don’t really care. I am not at all creative or imaginative. Sometimes I feel like I need to be lead. I was the bottom of the band in school, I wasn’t a trouble maker, I was quiet; no one bothered me and I didn’t bother anyone else. I had lots of friends, but I was also always at home. I would do my homework last minute, I would get ok marks etc. My school reports always said "quiet" or "could do better" but I didn’t know how and no-one supported or pushed me to "do better". I didn’t excel at anything, I wasn’t encouraged too and, at the end of the day, I can’t do what I don’t know.
I spent a long time very depressed. I would often see my doctor, I went to counselling (personally it didn’t work for me) and I started to write. I started to do a lot of spiritual stuff (I even worked with a Paranormal investigation group) and I did a lot of meditation and I did lots of work around negativity too. This helped me feel a lot lighter. It’s a lot like what Jo says - it’s a choice not to carry negativity. This didn’t help with the inner me though, it helped my mind but not my inner being. I was questioning myself, doubting myself.”
Me with the biggest blondest Afro ever and my brother David.
I started looking at Divine Divas Boudoir…
“It was at this point that I started to realise that I was looking for some acceptance. I didn’t know who I was. I had been moulded into this shell but I felt like nothing was me. Nothing was how I wanted to be. I lacked confidence, I had no self esteem. I would walk around looking at my feet. I would be as helpful as I could because I feared rejection or adverse reactions. I was looking for encouragement, I was agreeing to do everything to help anyone; even if it was harder work for me, I would do it. I realised I was becoming what everyone expected of me. So I started to say no, I started to push back. I knew I had to be strong for me, even if it annoyed people. I started to make myself look up when I was walking around, I realised that I shouldn’t be worried what other people think of me, and chances are no-one is even noticing me; they have their own stuff going on! It was the start of this inner work, alongside the recognition that I needed to invest more time figuring out who I was, that led me to Divine Divas…
My discovery calls - I realised so much; I wanted to find a space in myself where I could feel supported
“I never have seen myself as attractive. I have always been just me, nothing more. Jess asked me during the discovery calls what I wanted to get from the shoot. I told her that I had just come out of a 12 year relationship and I wanted to find my worth and I wanted to be independent. Jess asked what that looked like. I tried to answer the best I could but I didn’t know what it looked like. The truth was I wanted to find a space in myself where I could feel supported. A happy place. I think part of me also thought that the shoot wouldn’t change that part of me. I had shoots before and truthfully I felt this wouldn’t be any different. But now, the change is incredible.”
After my Boudoir Experience, I still almost don’t believe the transformation
“I have these beautiful photos and there are things that Jess said to me when viewing the photos (that I won’t share but they meant a lot. I often remember her words and they help me on tough day. I have now found my worth, I know when I deserve better. And I now know what I meant when I said I wanted independence. Through out my whole life I have been emotionally alone and when things happen like having issues in my relationship, money worries etc... I have no-one to talk to, I don’t have a best friend that I can tell everything to, I would love to have a best friend I can turn to, but I don’t. So for me I have always, always felt like the only person that 100% has my back on every level, is me. But now, I have this inner strength that has never been there. I always thought it would be an image in my head of a country garden or countryside or something, but no, for me it has no image, it’s a feeling. And that was a feeling that Divine Divas gave me. I have this inner strength that when I am having a bad day, I feel like someone stands beside me and puts an arm around me, hand on my shoulder, rubs my back and says “you’ve got this, it’s ok.”
It’s like my spine has been straightened, like my inner me is standing in the superhero pose and has a strong, confident presence inside me. I am far more confident in me and what I do. I can speak to people easier, rather than trying to battle through; I will ask for help earlier. I will even challenge my managers to get things done. I am confident in my my delivery of my knowledge to customers. I have had interviews and I am much more confident in my abilities and how I deliver and present that too. I don’t feel like I am just fading into the background now, I am getting ahead and making things happen for me.
I believe in myself and I am so much more sure of myself. I most definitely have a can-do attitude. It has definitely changed me for the better; I am much stronger and I know now that I have me. I can support myself emotionally and physically. I can achieve anything I want to. I believe in me and if I set my mind to something, I can do it. I am a much stronger person. I am now looking forward to building better connections with my friends.
My shoot was the start of a journey and, to be honest, I never expected it to be. I am massively surprised at how it has change my life and mindset. And it is definitely just the start.
The journey is to continue - and, thanks to Divine Divas - for the first time, I can say I’m excited about that.”
I said at the beginning, Boudoir is not a magic wand - and we never claim it to be. However, it can work magic. When you connect Boudoir with an open mindedness, a willingness to challenge negative beliefs and the desire to push yourself out of your comfort zones, it can do be an incredible antidote to detrimental memories from the past. It’s a way to rewrite and reset unkind self-talk; and a way bring a new, refreshed sense of self into your life… and, after that? Who knows. That’s the exciting part…