How I Learnt To Feel SEEN Again

Me and Ross a few years ago when he was completing a sponsored walk for epilepsy 🥰

What is your name and age?

My name is Clare McMullen, and I am 53.

What is your story Clare? What made you book your Divine Divas Experience?

My son fell ill with nocturnal epilepsy when he was 8 years old. He is now 22. From that moment, I was no longer a wife and mother, I was his main carer. He would have anything from 30 to 80 seizures a day during the early years of his illness, then when it became a little more stable, that still meant two or three seizures a week.

He is actually very bright but the effect of the epilepsy, medication etc, meant he could no longer keep up with his peers which frustrated him. He then developed a rare form of epilepsy called ESUS on top of his nocturnal epilepsy when he was 12 which basically meant that when he looked asleep his brain wasn't asleep and, instead, was firing off seizure after seizure! All of this meant he was absolutelty exhausted.

He started getting detention after detention but this wasn't my son, it was out of character for him. The nurse actually had to come speak to the teachers before they started listening. There was no let up for him or me.

Just when the consultants finally got his epilepsy under control at the age of 18, he plummeted into depression as he had never been able to live a 'normal' life and his learning had been affected by the seizures, slow processing and short term memory. Two years ago he took a large overdose and we nearly lost him.

Thankfully, the consultant of the Acute mental health gave us the name of a lady who did private work. She was his saviour. He now has a job which he loves, a lovely group of friends and a girlfriend.

But I had lost my identity as a woman when he developed epilepsy and have never got it back until I did this shoot. My husband stopped noticing me years ago, people saw me as Ross's carer and no-one noticed the person anymore. This experience was about getting HER back.

My usual look. Always jeans, jumper and boots

The Divine Divas experience starts with our discovery calls. Obviously we know we ask quite personal questions during them. How did you find it? Did it add to the experience for you?

The phone calls with Shannon were a godsend! It was like therapy! She made me feel like I mattered and that I could tell her anything about my life and she would understand me. Until I spoke to Shannon I hadn't realised that I didn't feel like me in any room in the house as every room has a reminder of my son's seizures or depression. The only place I felt conformable was in my greenhouse which was where I was sitting talking to her from. Until that call I hadn't even realised that was my natural go to place. 

And how did you find having your make-up and hair done professionally?!

Having my make up done definitely added to the experience. I was quite nervous at the beginning as I was worried it wouldn't look like me but the makeup Shannon chose didn't make me feel self-conscious at all. It was quite the opposite, it was a new me!

How did you find your photoshoot itself? So many people tell us they really surprised themselves when behind the camera!

Before the photoshoot itself, I was very nervous and shy. I'm not comfortable in heels and I also have an old knee injury which made some poses difficult! But, Shannon put me at ease straight away and helped me choose my outfits. I was a bit conservative at first, picking what was actually a 40's style swimming costume that covered me up! I then started to relax and, with the help of Shannon, she slowly helped me to come out of my shell. I did feel a little awkward initially, as I just didn't feel like I was being sexy, but Shannon helped me to realise by the end that - maybe - I actually am! 

What did your Divine Divas Boudoir experience teach you?

I was terrified of the experience as it was completely outside my comfort zone. I work with plants in a Garden Centre and wear trousers and steel toe-cap boots every day! Nothing at all sexy or womanly about that look!

In my normal daily attire helping out a local school. Not a glamorous look! 😁

This is my day job! Not glamorous at all! 😂

This experience gave me the confidence to wear dresses more and make an effort to feel sexy. I’ve found myself making small changes, for example whereas I always found myself picking loose t-shirts to cover up my stomach I now wear more fitted tops! I feel confident in what I wear. I’ve learnt that I actually have a nice pair of boobs so why not show them off! 

What would you say to anyone considering a Divine Divas Experience? Especially someone who was nervous?

To anyone thinking of doing the experience I would say go for it! Don't be shy, be brave and take a chance on all the lovely people at Divine Divas! Just know that they will help you to build on your confidence and make the beautiful you shine! 

Confidence means so much; it elevates so many parts of our life when we find it. Has feeling more confident changed anything for you? Have other people noticed the change in you?

Other people have seen the confidence grow in me since the shoot. One of my friends' husband said to his wife that he definitely has noticed a difference in my confidence. I now walk with my head held high and you could see how happy and confident I am. That made me feel like it had all been worth it. My husband loved the photos too! I am a Horticultural Manager in a garden centre and although I come across as fairly confident, and like to have opinions, I do not like confrontation and usually give in under pressure from others above me. Since the photo shoot I am now a much stronger woman and if I don't agree, I will speak up and not back down! 

Me now with my husband Dave, after the photo shoot. Feeling lots more confident in my appearance.

Still wearing jeans but feeling bit better about myself and trying to wear nicer tops! 😂

So many people have said that this is the best money that they have ever spent on themselves - we know we are not cheap, but some times we just need to know that we are worth spoiling outs selves - do you believe that what you received was valuable and thinking about it now and all that this will give you for so many years - do you believe that this was money well spent?

This experience has given ME back. My husband now sees ME! This wasn't cheap but it was worth every penny. The quality of my artwork is amazing. I am not just a Mum, or a worker. I am Clare - my own woman; and a woman who is SEEN by those she loves. I am reminded of that every time I look at my wall art.