Female Self-Pleasure: Or, In Other Words, Women Masturbate. Get Over It

About seven years ago, I went to see a talk by Caitlin Moran. I settled down in my seat, still slightly damp from the drizzle of an October night with her new book, ‘Moranifesto’ perched on my lap. My head tilted to the stage as Moran strolled into the spotlight. Her opening line, although I may not remember this word for word, was something along the lines of: ‘I remember when I was 15 years old, frantically masturbating on the sofa…’.

Well, I could barely believe my ears. The rest of her anecdote faded to the abyss as my head was sent into a spin. What was this? A WOMAN brazenly announcing to a crowd of around 200 people that she…*said in hushed tones*… masturbates?! Oh, the shock. Oh, the awkwardness. Oh, the social discomfort. Maybe a few readers are now having the same reaction - but maybe we should investigate that. Maybe it’s about time we brought the conversation about female pleasure into the forefront.

Some of you may have already heard of the term “orgasm gap” - or it might mean nothing.

Well, to explain, the orgasm gap was a term coined to describe the disparity in orgasms between couples. Also known as orgasm inequality. Basically, what it’s trying to say is that men orgasm more than their female partners. And I’m specifically talking about straight sex between men and women because studies show that 95% of straight men always orgasm during sex, compared with 89% of gay men and 86% of lesbian women. That compares to the fact that, according to The Metro, 80% of women do NOT cum through penetrative sex. Yikes. There we have it; the orgasm gap.

There are so many explanations for this. A big one being that most women do not orgasm through purely penetrative sex. In fact, the website for Planned Parenthood wrote a report on it and the NHS (YES, THE NHS) published a report discussing that ‘it is impossible for a woman to achieve orgasm through penetrative sex alone’. So, we partially have the tunnel vision around penetrative sex to blame. There are other things too; like the biological and psychological impacts on the menopause that may explain why women find it harder to cum during sex.

HOWEVER - get this - a study found that 92.4% of women are able to orgasm from masturbation. Interesting, hey? So, if that’s more of a sure fire way to ensure female pleasure and satisfaction, why are we still so hush hush about it? Among the younger generations, the taboo around sex toys and self-pleasure is being slowly chipped away. But, for older generations, conversations around sex and masturbation are still uncomfortable. Of course, you don’t need to want to talk to everyone and their dog about your sex life and what gets your rocks off - but it is important that you can express yourself to your partner, and that you don’t feel shame around exploring your body and what you like. So let’s get into it.

It’s more or less taken for granted that men masturbate. If you’ve been to a secondary school, it’s almost impossible to escape the fact that, yes, in general, guys masturbate, and yes, they do it a lot, and yes they like it too. This seeps into popular culture, with shows like The Inbetweeners constantly addressing the fact. In fact, you can barely go one scene without a joke about it coming up. (Yes, that was a pun.) I ask, therefore, where are all the women in this? Does our sexuality develop much later than our male counterparts? Or are we simply unaware of sexuality? Is the conclusion to take from this that no woman has EVER masturbated?

The facts and statistics (as well as common sense) would argue not. Obviously, with the nature of topics like this - with the subject being shaped by nuances and complexities - it’s unwise to generalise. However, to state that women masturbate is not a bold declaration. To even state that women masturbate as much as men, even starting at similar ages, is not a bold statement either. And this isn’t an argument resting on conversations with my female friends who are either drunk or especially sexually liberated, the data equally supports the claim. In fact, when a group of 18-24 year olds were asked how many people admitted to masturbating ‘a few times per week to monthly’, there was only 0.5 difference in the data collected with 24.5% of women and 25% of men bolstering the statement. 

And it’s not just the youngsters either. In fact, in a study of 8,000 women, 82% of 45-55 years said they masturbated regularly. 47% of them actually said they do so daily. Alongside this, more than half of women above 65 years old (53%) also said they partook a bit of ‘me’ time. Ergo, older generations are actually more likely to masturbate.

So then, if both men and women do it (and women of older ages actually do it more than the liberated youth of today) - why is the attitude towards it so divided depending on who is discussing it? Men and comedy sketches and pub chat and even subtle sniggers during Sex Education PSHE lessons constantly alert us to the male tendency, whereas female masturbation, even now, is still a taboo topic, deemed improper to acknowledge. This anachronistic prioritisation of male sexuality is incredibly frustrating. For example, consider the fact that our vernacular has swollen to include an assortment of terms for male masturbation (Urban Dictionary offers 20 different synonyms as a mere selection of the variety out there - what a wonderful time to be alive), whilst meanwhile society today still battles the compulsion to call women ‘sluts’ for having a healthy sex life. 

This attitude can be traced back through history; from scatological Literature of the 18th Century furiously berating women for being a little bit too human with human urges and (even more shockingly) human bodily fluids, to criticisms of women with too passionate a sexual appetite - male heteronormativity has always been the primary focus in regards to sexuality. Whilst, in general, society now upholds less of a dogmatic view, it is not difficult to see the image that this historical strand of thought has ingrained into culture. Women have a reputation to uphold - we are prim and proper, we are discreet, we are the sexual object exclusively. This past mentality has its impact; even now when we do discuss our sexuality in serious terms - sexual preferences, porn, masturbation -  the tendency is still to objectify, making it just another porn category for men.  Sexuality, we are told, is not something to be explored whilst alone if you are a woman, there must always be an audience. And so, in this Catch 22 situation - the realities of female desire are one of two things - improper or sexualised. 

To aggravate the situation, often in the media’s discussion on female desire our sexuality is persistently orientated towards its relationship to male sexuality. In one illuminating article on female masturbation in FHM (a men’s lifestyle magazine that was suspended in 2017) the text is accompanied by a photo of women in cropped, tight pyjamas seductively, yet shyly, throwing popcorn at each other. The intention is emphatically not to crack open a taboo, in fact, I’m confident that the pitch for the article went probably something like this: ‘yeah so, female masturbation is hot and sex sells.’ The conversation about female desire is not casual, never in the same context in which male masturbation would be discussed. Just as watching porn is never discussed in the same light - despite the fact women often do. Again - if you need some proof - Marie Claire found, in a poll of 3000 women, that 1 in 3 women watch porn every week.

This attitude is not one that can continue to go unquestioned. A cultural shift is building momentum. There are some amazing platforms and resources out there. There’s OMGYES, a subscription service that empowers women through discussion, info-graphics and actual tips on how to achieve better orgasms (for example, discussing toy techniques and how to help guide your partner too.) There are books out there like Regena Thomashauer’s (a.k.a. Mama Gena) ‘School of Womanly Arts’ in which she urges women to learn that ‘self-indulgence is the key to self-empowerment. But in order to pursue pleasure, one must know pleasure.’ She talks about how women have been taught to repress their appetites, but in learning to pinpoint what makes us happy we can find more fun not just in our sex life but in our creative and professional worlds too. There are also influential celebrities and authors such as Caitlin Moran, Jameela Jamil, and even Lizzo slowly helping chip down the ‘controversy’ of female sexuality when put into practise, discussing masturbation and desire in a realistic way and not in a sexualised manner, not because it’s ‘hot’ to think about, but because it is part of reality. And let’s not forget, the power of sex and embracing that raw side of yourself has been part of Eastern spirituality for years. For example tantric techniques include breathing, yoga, and meditation that can increase sexual energy - and our relationship with ourselves in general. Eastern spirituality also talks about balancing our chakras, and the second chakra - the svadhisthana, in conjunction with our relationship to desire.

So let’s say it. Women enjoy sex. Orgasms are fun. Female self-pleasure is IMPORTANT - and it deserves to be centre stage, even more so because of the fact it’s been forced to hide in the shadows for so long. No one needs to feel shame about exploring their body - and learning to embrace it can have a huge benefit on us spiritually and psychologically.

Of course, there is a line to be drawn - no one wants to know excessive details about your sex life. However, we are not to let other people silence our sexuality or decide the terms in which we can discuss it. Never be afraid to enter a discussion that concerns you, no matter how many people you make uncomfortable.  

And after all, why should we let straight men have all the fun? It's time to reclaim the wank. And not just because we should, but because we can. It's worth talking about. Not only is it fun, it's biologically proven to help you drift to sleep, to relieve stress AND to ease menstrual pain. And, as my best friend liberally reminds me, if you can't explore what your body likes by itself, how are you meant to know what it likes with someone else? Not to mention the age-old conversation around the connection between spirituality and sexuality.

So, Divas, you know where I'm going with this; now it's up to you not to be afraid of those chats. And not to be afraid of your body either! Get to know yourself, make those jokes, discuss, be free. And most of all, go have a bit of a fun, have a bit of you-time, indulge in a bit of self-love, or, dare I say it? Just go have a damn wank. 

Want to get to know and reflect upon the sexual, liberated you a bit more? Divine Divas can be your space for that - and we’d love to have that conversation with you. Just get in touch with us over on the Divas VIP Group.