Are You A Mum Martyr? Do You Feel Guilty Whenever You Spend Money On Yourself & Not Your Family? It’s Not Selflessness… It’s Self-Sabotage
Photo taken by our sister company, Spirit Photographic!
We asked our Divas one very simple question in the Divine Divs VIP Group…
How many of you relate to ‘Mum guilt’? (i.e feeling bad when you spend money on yourself, not your children)
This is a FEW of the comments we got back…
“Always. I would still rather help her than myself. She tells me off for it…”
“Yes, definitely.”
“Always, even though they earn more than me.”
“Yes and feeling guilty about having time to myself!!”
“Still find it hard to buy myself anything and my kids have their own lives and families, so it's only me husband and the dog at home!”
These are not unusual comments, and they make a lot of sense, but, do you notice a theme emerging from these comments? It’s the same message, whether explicit or subtle, over and over, “I need to put myself last.”
We get it. We do. It’s hard to spend money on yourself when you need to think of the family too! It feels like rejecting their needs and desires for your own. Plus, it’s altogether a different thing when financial times are hard; at that point things come down to necessity. Not to mention, what Mum out there doesn’t want the best for children? What Mum doesn’t get joy out of treating their children? And what Mum wants to feel like they are prioritising themselves and making their kids go without?
But read those comments again. Think about the Mum who spends her money on her children, even though they earn more than her. Or the Mum who is talking about the shame she feels treating herself, despite the fact her children are, in fact, grown adults who have their own finances. ‘Mum guilt’ isn’t about logic or practicality or the necessities of Motherhood; it feels like something altogether different…
Does ‘Mum Guilt’ serve a function for you?
Let’s be clear - I am not talking about putting yourself in debt, or treating yourself to designer shoes every week (unless you can afford it, in which case you go girl). I am not talking about the very natural desire to want to treat your children. I AM talking about the choice to repeatedly ignore your OWN needs and wants, and the impacts that has on your own life. I am talking about being able to feel FREE to make decisions for yourself, FREE to treat yourself, FREE to understand your value and FREE to make financial and emotional decisions that are not governed by guilt or expectation, but from practicality AND a sense of worth around yourself and your own needs.
In so many examples, there is a self-awareness that this ‘Mum Guilt’ is not beneficial to themselves, or that it’s not even something they should or need to feel. So, where does this sense of duty come from? Where did the idea come from that if you’re prioritising yourself, you’re neglecting someone else? And, interestingly, whilst this may be a generalisation, why do Mum’s seem to suffer from this pressure and guilt more than Dad’s do?
I want to force you to ask yourself, does this feeling serve you? And if you’re truly honest, do you feel a sense of pride about putting yourself last? Do you feel that putting yourself last is what makes you a kind and caring person?
So, what can you do about financial ‘Mum Guilt’? Let’s talk ‘Money Blockers’
This sense of guilt is not just about money but I think touching on finances is an important thing to do. Money is a powerful force in all of our lives, it can dictate what we do, it allows for different opportunities, and often it ends up sort of feeling like a currency for love; after all, how you choose to spend it can be a powerful expression of affection. However, it is also a taboo and source of anxiety for so many people. People worry about having enough and how to spend it; they worry if they will be judged for what they spend it on and, in this case, who they spend it on.
There are so many very practical reasons around why finances may be tough, but there are things you can do. And one of those things is to start investigating the negative statements you tell yourself around money. These statements are called ‘Money Blockers’.
Denise Duffield-Thomas is an author, coach and business woman who discusses money or ‘Abundance Blocks’ throughout all of her work. She explains that your experiences, ever since you were tiny, all play into shaping your money mindset today and, additionally, she does lots of work around, what she calls, abundance blocks - i.e the ‘negative subconscious beliefs we hold about a certain concept’.
An example of an abundance or money block may be ‘I will never be rich’ or ‘money ruins people’ or, especially relevant for here, ‘other people deserve it more.’ For example, a contemporary of Denise Duffield-Thomas discusses what it is to have an ‘excessively generous mindset’ and says this about it…
Consider this alongside what Duffield-Thomas has to say:
Taking power back around your money is about getting the balance right. Take a look at where money is a pain in the butt for you and ask yourself: Where has this shown up in the past? What’s the pattern? What are you afraid of? What are you no longer willing to put up with?”
So ask yourself, what are you afraid of when it comes to this idea about putting yourself financially first? Are you willing to put up with this idea that you deserve to be, perpetually, at the bottom of the list? And once you’ve done that, ask yourself this, if you took the guilt and anxiety out of your finances, if you gave yourself permission to feel freedom with your desires (in a way that is still practical), what would that feel like?
Tips to help you overcome the guilt
Keep a money journal. Whenever you feel a moment of guilt, take the time to reflect on that and explore where that may be coming from. You may start seeing patterns appear. Become aware of when you are feeling guilt about the thought of buying yourself something and decide if that guilt is justified.
Communication! Open up to your closed ones, and especially express to your partner how you may be feeling. In our experience at the studio, 9 times out of 10 the partner is fully behind you treating yourself and is actually encouraging of any activity that helps you put yourself first. Let them share the burden.
Put a "me" fund together, £10 per week/month (or any amount that feels right) so that you have money dedicated to your pleasure.
Schedule in some time for yourself! Even if it’s 30 minutes a week, make sure to schedule in some uninterrupted time doing something that is for YOU. I know this isn’t money related, but everything is related.
Be honest about your spending. Don’t tell your your partner something was cheaper than it was or feel you need to justify yourself - it will only give gravitas to the idea that you should be feeling guilty or shameful. You are fully within your right to make your own financial decisions and to spend money on yourself.
Challenge yourself to be bold around conversations with money. It’s not just about spending, it’s also about what you’re willing to receive. Does someone owe you some money that you feel too awkward to ask for? Do you need to have a conversation about a pay rise that you keep putting off? Don’t let the topic of finances make you feel uncomfortable - and you don’t get if you don’t ask.
Be conscious of what you spend on others, and how easily you can justify those gifts/expenses. That’s 100% not to say don’t treat others, but it may be interesting to see how much easier you find it to spend money on other people
Prioritising yourself is an important lesson for your family too… Be YOU so that they can do the same. Feel proud for putting yourself FIRST.
The author Miki Agrawal, dedicates her book Disrupt-her to her son, writing this on the first page,
“Hiro, I promise to never lose myself for you, because the more ME I can be, the more I can inspire you to be YOU.”
And that’s what it’s all about.
What does ‘Mum Guilt’ teach your children? Is putting themselves last, even in the name of love, what you would want for them? Wouldn’t you want them to have the freedom to pursue and find the things in their life that give them joy and make them feel special?
Putting yourself first isn’t to neglect others, it’s to lead by example - and to ensure a happier, more stable world for yourself and those around you. After all, aren’t we often at our best when the loved ones around us are at their best? As a child yourself, doesn’t it give you happiness to think of your parents looking after themselves?
So, do you want to feel joy and freedom and treat yourself to the occasional thing, because you can and because you want to? Do you want to feel less burnt-out and more like yourself? And do you want to put your children and family first? Then start learning to put yourself alongside them, so that, one day, they know how to do the same.
But why do we care? Why did we, a Boudoir Studio, choose this topic to write about?
Simply? Because Divas talk to us about it all the time.
You know out of all the comments on that original post, there was only one Mum who came to me and said that no, she didn’t feel guilt. I messaged her on Facebook and asked her to elaborate and she said this:
“I don't feel Mum guilt for spending money or time on myself. In fact, it kind of feels like I'm showing my girls that it's ok to take care of myself as well as them. I guess it kind of stems from when I did my counselling training. I spent a lot of time looking at what was in my life that I didn't like, both internally and externally. A lot of stuff written by Brene Brown helped reinforce the message that I am worthy of love and belonging. And I took that to mean I am worthy of loving myself and feeling like my life belongs to me, as well as in the wider concept of love and belonging in relationships with others. A period of clinical depression left me realising that I could no longer be all things to all people and that I did have to put myself first in order to be the best Mum that I could be. And so I guess yes, sometimes putting myself first means that I get something or do something ahead of my girls. It's not like they go without. But it's important for them to see that I am not only their Mum but I'm a partner, a friend, a daughter. I am also my own person. My Mum never modelled that to me growing up. She's never put herself first and hasn't had the happiest of lives as a result. I want to model to my girls that I can love them and provide for them, but I can do that whilst also loving and providing for myself. I’m me, I'm Jenn and I don't have to feel guilty about an expensive bottle of perfume bought at Christmas or a new dress purchased in the sale. It's ok to put myself first sometimes.”
And that’s why we care. Because the thing we hear again and again from Mum’s is that they feel they have lost themselves; they don’t feel like an individual anymore, they don’t feel fun or care-free… And of course you will if you are always putting yourself last. Guilt and ignoring your own feelings erodes joy and a sense of individuality. And, crucially, putting yourself last is not what makes you a kind or generous person. To take from yourself is not to give to another.
Freedom and happiness and feeling like YOU certainly won’t happen in conditions of guilt and martyrdom.
So start today now. Give to yourself freely and without guilt, find joy in remembering your value - and teach your kids an important lesson whilst you’re at it!
Want to take the plunge and do something for yourself? Book a call with us so we can talk you through how a Divine Divas Experience works…
