How Has Your Sex Life Changed As You’ve Got Older?
A few weeks back we asked this question in our Divine Divas VIP Group:
Do you feel sexier as you’ve got older? And how has your sex life changed?
Growing up my Mum used to tell me that “what happens in the bedroom is only ever between those two people” and that the conversation stays within those four walls. Turns out, she was wrong. But, then again, she didn’t know I was going to grow up to work in a Boudoir Studio.
Sex and body positivity is integral to Boudoir - it’s not necessarily that Boudoir has anything to do with sex, or even with feeling sexy in some cases, but it is about finding joy in your body and in shrugging off any kind of shame that you may have about yourself. We see Boudoir as a way to light or fuel a fire that helps you fully love yourself; no matter what that interpretation of that is.
And we know for, some people, “loving yourself” is linked to a sense of sexual power and that Boudoir is a chance to explore a sensual or kinkier side of themselves. For that reason, we’re very open when it comes to discussing sex. Imagine if we didn’t! It would be no good if we blushed every time someone brought up handcuffs.
But it goes deeper than that, it’s not just about props and how kinky a wardrobe choice is, it’s about giving people a space to be totally honest without feeling embarrassed and respecting the importance of sensuality. We know that everyone is different, some people have high sex drives and some people are asexual, and we know that everyone’s sex life is different and there are countless situations that someone could find themselves in.
For instance, some clients could be having trouble finding that spark between themselves and their long term partner, or they could be aged 80 having the best sex of their lives, they could be single and not had sex for a while, they could be single and enjoying having sex with lots of different partners, they could be broadening their horizons and venturing into the world of sex parties and kink for the first time, or they could be feeling a bit lost with it all after struggling with self esteem issues. We have heard nearly every situation you can imagine - and we know that it affects each person differently. Something that it does all have in common is that it MEANS something - it plays an important part in someone’s life and how they feel about themselves; whether in a positive way or not. We know that in our venture of learning about our Divas, and we mean really learning about them, we want people to feel comfortable in discussing this part of their lives with us.
There is no reason to feel shame - whether you have lots of sex or are struggling with your sex life - there will always be someone else in your boat. We would love to explore different topics in future blogs but we thought to start, we’d focus on age and sex - and the variety of ways that Divas feel about it. There’s no big point behind it; rather we just invite you to have a scan of all these different replies to the question from various women in the Divas Group - and know that we invite you to be as open with us as you want to.
Do you feel sexier as you’ve got older? And how has your sex life changed?
“Going through early menopause, I totally lost my confidence, sex drive and feelings of being sexy! HRT saved my life! I’m in my mid 40's now and feel so much more confident in myself and I'm not afraid to feel sexy or think that I look sexy either. My libido had also improved greatly... now I'm single!”
“I’m about to turn 40 in March! I feel unattractive and unsexy! I asked my husband if I’ll be enough for him, because I don’t feel I am. It definitely has not got better.”
“Sex in my 50s is definitely better than my 20s. I'm way more confident and I know what I want and like. As we know, confidence comes from how you feel on the inside. Nothing to do with anything else. And feeling sexy is tied up with how you feel. It's all in the mind for a woman getting turned on. Seeing a male body has never been the turn on that guys feel about the female body.”
“Turning 50 in a couple of months and would definitely say sex is better now than it’s ever been. Interesting to think about why. Is this because it’s a relatively new relationship (6 years) or is it because I’m more confident in what I want. Personally, I think it’s a combination of knowing what I want, feeling loved and being told I’m sexy. My first husband was not complimentary about me and made me feel insecure about sex (or rather my drive). I’m menopausal and sometimes all the tales of women losing their drive worries me but I’m going on the "‘if you use it you won’t lose it’ philosophy!!”
“I don't feel at all sexy and menopause has put to bed anything more than a sporadic love life. It doesn't mean I feel unattractive or less confident or have any less connection with hubby. After 35 years together, we have a deep respect and much love for each other and I think we probably peaked 'sex wise' in our 30s. I have no urge to swing from chandeliers or jump off wardrobes, but I love cuddling up to Mr. S & laughing raucously about the silly things that tickle our warped sense of humour. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of kissing & cuddling & canoodling.”
“For me confidence and feeling sexy has come from finding the right person. I know now that I am loved and appreciated and we laugh so much. I'm not happy with my body shape right now even though I have a reason to try and loose some weight the mental motivation just isn't there at the moment - I don't know if it's the weather or because we had covid at Xmas and I'm still not 100% but he makes me feel sexy regardless of my shape.
“Having had a total hysterectomy age 34 (3 years ago now) and weighing a lot more than I’d like, I feel completely unattractive. I do feel more confident in knowing what I want though. Honestly I think our biggest issue is hubby having lost his libido and me feeling like it’s because I’m so unattractive which I know isn’t the case but I can’t help but feel that way.”
“No sex life for 4 years now, long term single.”
“Wasn't until I got to about 34, I watched 50 shades, experimented and never looked back. It is definitely a lot better now that I'm older. I know exactly what I like and I’m not afraid to tell the bloke.”
“Unfortunately I feel less attractive and have lost my libido completely - 10 years and still going through the menopause. Hubby is supportive but I feel so sorry for him having to wait for me until hopefully one day I will wake up and be the old happy me.”
“I’m 46 and have been married 16 years, I would say sex has definitely got better, we know what we like but we also push boundaries a little, it went through a dull patch when the children got a little older, and now we find that it’s easier in the day while the children are at school…no stage fright when you hear footsteps!! My confidence has grown as well, I’m not menopausal yet so not sure how that will change things…”
“I hit 60 last year. I actually feel as sexy as I did years ago. I might carry a few extra pounds BUT my husband loves me for who I am and our sex life is amazing. Age is s number and to be honest it’s who you are with and how they make you feel. Long may it last!!!”
“I'm numb from neck down...”
“ I’m 42 and a full time single mum to a 5 year old. I'm trying to eat healthier and do more exercise as I know those both help me to feel good in myself, but it's really hard. Having been single for the last few years I go through stages of feeling sexy and not, but I don't have anyone else to ask their opinion! I’m trying to tone up for summer so I can feel confident in a bikini, and that will help me feel sexier.”
“I think there's a lot of pressure from society in general to keep having a hugely energetic sex life for much longer in your life. I feel attractive, beautiful if you like, I love my heels, pretty undies and wear corsets as outwear in the day time...but have zero desire to have sex now I am almost 60. It's not that I think I shouldn't - I am just not interested. I never wanted children and had a medically necessary hysterectomy at 35. I have a husband 10 years older than me, who really enjoyed sex, and who I ADORE and enjoyed having sex with. Now the medication he takes (and his age) has meant that we have no sex life. I can say honestly, that I don't miss it. I have explained this to him, and that while I enjoyed that part of our life, I have no problem or resentment towards him that it now doesn't happen and he has no need to feel guilty on my behalf. I feel mother nature knows we have no need to reproduce at our age, and has removed the desire, at least from me. The thing that upsets me? The "erectile disfunction" adverts on TV, which make my husband feel like a failure and less of a man. They make me want to cry, because it's so hard on him to be made to feel that every other man is a rampant sex God. If you have a happy and active sex life later in life, good on you, enjoy yourself, go for it. But it's something I can accept I don't want or need. Not sure why I have had such a "confessional" about this - but if one other Diva reads it and thinks "me too", that's good.”
“I don't feel as sexy anymore but my sex life is definitely better and kinkier - I have more confidence to ask for what I want.”
“I feel more comfortable in my body now that I'm in my forties, but with that comes confidence so I definitely feel sexier.”
“It’s definitely got better as I’ve got older, and a compatible loving partner really helps too. Husband #1 wasn’t even interested.”
“I feel unattractive, fat and ugly. I am going through the menopause and have no sex drive at all.”
“My sex life has definitely improved with age. I was always a reluctant partner and wanted the light off. I didn't want my husband seeing me naked and despite his best efforts at buying me sexy underwear, I always timed it so he never actually saw it. I'd get ready before him and rush to get changed and get into bed once we got back. Now I feel sexy and am confident in that sexiness. I tease him with what is going on under my outfit and flaunt it when we get home after a night out (it's not every night I hasten to add - I am over 50 and get tired). But life is good. I just wish I could have taken the time to enjoy it more back then. Enjoy being me.”
“I feel sexier 'cause I've lost a bit of weight but my libido has gone right out the window, thank you menopause.”
“44. Single mastectomy. Menopausal due to medication. My sex life has never been better and it is because I feel confident in who I am. I don't worry about the wobbly bits, the missing boob or the scars. Not afraid to ask for what I want (or need - thanks menopause ) in bed.”
“Well I can’t believe how many men in there 20’s like grandmas!!”
“I'm 80 this year, my husband will be 74. We have always had a very sexual satisfactory love life. That hasn't changed at all what has changed is the tenderness, time and consideration we give to each other during sex and the wow is always there!!”
“I’m only 32, but having been with my husband for 9 years I can say our sex life together has changed. In our 20s it was always the opinion that being together as much as possible was the best. Very much the see if we can break our daily record…Now it’s so much more amazing. I’m more confident in myself (even thought I still have a way to go!) so that has allowed us to be more open to try new things together and not feel embarrassed. And because of that each time we are together is more connected and heartfelt, so more fire and passion! Covid has been wonderful as both of us have changed jobs, now much happier and we both work from home so spend more time together which has allowed for more opportunities to be together (and soooo much more fun than sitting in rush hour traffic!!!). Also when your husband now works for Love Honey it helps!”