After Three Years Working At Divine Divas, I Had My Own Boudoir Experience: “I Had Done So Much Inner Work For Myself, This Was About Celebrating That.”

After nearly four years at Divine Divas, I had my proper tailored Divine Divas Boudoir Experience…Here’s what happened. 

At the Divine Divas Burlesque party with Jo

Let’s set the scene… I wasn’t looking for a confidence boost, would the magic be the same?

Boudoir can truly perform miracles when it comes to recalibrating someone’s view of themselves and helping them find their confidence, and I know we talk a lot about that here. But something we should talk more about is Boudoir as an act of celebration - because that’s certainly what my experience was about. 

I’m not pretending that I feel great all the time. Of course I don’t, I’m a human. I have huge insecurities around my skin, and, on the worst days, I have doubts about everything whether it’s my face, stomach, lazy eye, underbite, you name it. But generally speaking, I do see myself as quite a confident person. 

Almost as a process of erosion, working at Divine Divas has built my confidence to a really great point. I talk so much about the topic, that eventually I just came to find myself arriving at a place of self-love. On top of that, I spent a lot of last year investing in myself through counselling. All this meant that, at the time of my shoot, I was feeling pretty good about my body - a fact I was hugely proud of considering I had spent my entire adolescence believing myself to be ugly, clunky and, ultimately, not worth too much. 

It’s daft to think really, considering the fact that I have seen so many women walk through these doors and a number of them have also started off in a confident position, but I’ll be honest and admit I was curious as to whether the experience would be just as impactful considering I wasn’t looking for a transformation as such.

I didn’t want to look glamorous… Would that work?

The second thing to consider before I tell you about my shoot was that I knew *exactly* what I was after.

Through working at Divine Divas I have seen so many different beautiful photos and I ended up, almost accidentally, amalgamating all of my favourite shoots I’ve seen into one vision of what I wanted. I knew exactly what I had in my mind. I knew I didn’t want it to be traditionally glamorous or feminine, I wanted it to be strong, womanly, sensual, powerful, and artistic. I related them to paintings in my head; paint-strokes and drawings coming together to create a gorgeous study of womanhood, reminiscent of greek goddesses. I had a vision in my head of ending up with something that screamed natural feminine power, that made me feel like with every step I took the ground would shudder under my feet. So it’s fair to say, I had set the standards high for my photographer. Now, better than anyone, I know the artistry and talent of Jesse and Neill but, again, there was this voice muttering to me that I would be inevitably disappointed after cultivating such a specific and personal taste in my head? It felt like Neill would have to jump inside my brain to truly get the nuances of what I was looking for.

Stripping down… in front of the boss

And, the third and final fact? I knew I definitely wanted to go nude. It’s bold and it’s passionate. It transcends any sleaziness to create something almost spiritual. You stop deconstructing the body into its parts, you don’t see boobs and a bum and arms; you just see its beauty. 

BUT saying that, art or no art, raw spiritual self or no raw spiritual self, I was still about to be standing in front of my boss with my vagina on display. 

And, on top of that, confidence aside, I was still worried about how I would look. Whether these photos would shatter my self esteem and actually capture me, in print, looking my worst. 

A photo taken at the work Christmas party

Right, so I’ve set the scene. But what was the day actually like?

I have had a photoshoot at Divas before, so when I say I had my first “proper” Divas experience, what I mean is that I finally experienced the photoshoot AND the discovery calls.

From my first moment I was bowled over. What stood out most was my second call with Jo. We spoke about me wanting to be bold, and I learnt purely through that call that I see boldness as a form of joy, of being able to be a bit weird, of being passionate, without questioning it for one second. It meant that I knew exactly what it was I would see in my photos. And I knew the impact that message would have on me - a reminder to never let myself dull my weirdness, my chattiness, my fire; to be unreservedly myself. 

Onto the day itself

You know I mentioned that the one thing I do struggle with is my skin? Well, of bloody course, my skin decided to break out. Like, properly. We’re talking spots galore. So I actually was feeling a little shit to put it bluntly. I sat down in the make up chair and wished our makeup artist Shannon good luck. She turned the chair around so I couldn’t see into the mirror, we started chatting and, an hour later, she turned me back round.

Turns out, surprise, surprise, I had nothing to worry about. Spots? What spots?! She was a total magician and it made all the difference; it meant that I walked into that Boudoir studio feeling ready.

The photoshoot… Time to get naked in front of the boss

Every time I talk to a client after a photoshoot, I ask them the same question - “did you surprise yourself?”. I hear the same thing back every time - “Yes.” Turns out, I was no exception.

It is nothing sheer of ridiculous how quickly you become at ease with being naked. I started off nervous enough to ask whether we could start with the knickers on (there’s a sentence and a half to type) and by the time the moment came to bear all, I was still gearing up to it. As Neill very adroitly put it when I asked him about it later, “Funnily enough, there can be even more vulnerability for a staff member as we know each other.”

But, truly, I cannot sum up the sense of liberation that coursed through me as I stood there in nothing. It feels like a physical and visceral moment of acceptance. Truly. If I could get everyone in this world to take their kit off and have their photo taken I would. I will bore everyone if I type everything I feel about nude photography but seriously, it is an exhilarating, spiritual and tender act; it’s a love letter, a time capsule, a moment of magic.

All of this without even mentioning the photography. I cannot praise Neill enough. Not only did he listen with me; he studied my wishes. He put so much effort into understanding my vision and bringing it to life. He was funny, he was comfortable to be around, and, most of all, he is a true artist. His love for photography is palpable and vivid; you see it in the way he plays with light, in the meticulous attention to detail, in everything. He truly cares about every shot. His professionalism and kindness empowered me to leave every stone unturned, I was given that permission to be my boldest, most liberated self. 

The BIG moment… My photos

The screen went down, Jo sat down next to me, the lights dimmed and, then, bang, suddenly videos from the team and friends and family were being played - all arranged as a surprise from Jo. Again, I can’t believe I didn't expect it, but even if I had I don’t think it would have made a difference. I was made to feel so beautiful and so loved and so appreciated; it was the perfect way to set my mindset for the photos.

And, let me tell you - nothing could have prepared me for those photos. It actually makes me well up to think of them. They were beyond my wildest dreams. They are the photos that I will be glad to have when I am 80 years old, the photos that I will treasure throughout my life, the photos that I will think of and look at when I need to be safe in the knowledge that I lived a full life; that I am bold, that I am all of the things that I want to be, that I am beautiful. They are priceless. Truly.

My boyfriend and I went through the photos and we have ended up with some art for our living room that I am so so proud of. I know people will ask, and, no, I truly do not care who sees them. Whether that be my Dad, Mum, Father-in-law or the Pope. It is a piece of art that honours me and brings me joy and I cannot WAIT to have it looking at me every day.

So, in conclusion?

I think without going on that personal journey with it, the temptation is to break Boudoir down into its parts - the calls, the make up, the photoshoot, which I understand. It’s the tangible components of it, the parts you can point at and say “ah that’s what Boudoir is”. But the truth is not so easy. The magic is in the in-between; in the coming together of it all. I saw that before, but I feel that now.

I totally understand it. I know we all have to think about value, and the easiest way to understand what an experience feels worth is through those obvious components but this is like trying to break the first date with the love of your life into its parts. Sure, break it down and you’ll describe it as a meal in a restaurant. But that’s not how you remember it. That’s not why it is what it is. It doesn’t come anywhere near to summing up what it means to you.

My boudoir experience was like that. I wasn’t looking for a confidence boost, or a transformation, I didn’t feel like I was lacking anything, and it still took my breathe away.

Sitting there in the dark, watching those videos of my loved ones telling me who I am to them, and then seeing these photos of this beautiful woman, captured honestly with all her strength, her passion, her tenacity, I felt, more deeply than ever before, the sweetness of self-appreciation.

Written by Jess Blackwell